New National Holiday

Today, Ninjafrk77 is wondering if this might possibly be the shittiest day ever.

A closed-door meeting of the Council of Elders; classified information denied declassification even with the Freedom Of Information Act; and a growing populace that has ceased to be satisfied. What could it all mean?

The Council of Elders signed an executive order this morning creating a new law which would add a holiday to the national registry. The new law was submitted under two names. One was the “Defecation Day,” and the other was “Soupy Stool Celebration’s Eve.”

The Council of Elders believes that federal employees work hard enough, and without a decent holiday in between Washington’s Birthday and Memorial Day, employees seemed a little disparaged.

The new official law reads: “The day of February 22 shall hitherto be recognized as Soupy Stool Celebration’s Eve, and the day of February 23 shall be hitherto recognized as Defecation Day. The purpose of the holidays is to provide the shittiest experience possible for the people of the United States.”

“We just felt like their lives weren’t shitty enough,” says twice-elected Connecticut Elder Tony Shartson, “so we really wanted to hammer that theme in. A socioeconomic flatulence holiday seemed like the right choice.”

There are some controversies concerning the new holiday, however. The two primary groups targeted by the new law have not found it easy to let go of old battles–the Solids and the Leakers.

“I was mad when I heard the news,” said one post office driver, a Solid convert since the age of seven. “I don’t want to celebrate a holiday for leaky sphincters. I want to celebrate a holiday about good, hard solid masses ripping a hole through the sphincters and then plopping off in the toilet water, like so.” He dropped a big one with a grunt that could have been a mother grizzly bear just realizing that her children were face to face with a predatory tiger. “You see? No leaks. I always hated oozy, drippy leaks. But I guess those damn Leakers will get mad if we don’t give them something.”

“I was a little bashful, myself, but I think I’ll get used to it,” says one Leaker, a retired nanny from Texas. “At first, I couldn’t get it to come out. Three suppositories and lots of prune juice later, I was leaking like a busted faucet. It really felt great to be able to leak all over the bathroom and not feel like someone was judging me.” She looked up and smiled into the camera, hands full of toilet paper soaked in brown juice. “I guess today really is the shittiest day ever.”

So, what do you think? Will these new holidays mend the years of bitterness and tension between the Solids and the Leakers, or will it tear them apart even more?

This has been Ninjafrk77 with your Ninja Column News Highlight for this evening.

POST-PUBLISH EDIT:

We at the Ninja Column have forgotten to mention the movie of the day. Today’s movie is Black Hawk Down, a complete and perfect metaphor for today’s events.

Col. McKnight: All right, get in that truck and drive.
Pvt. Othic: But I’m shot, Colonel.
McKnight: Everybody’s shot. We need the prisoners. Let’s go!

Everybody’s fucking shot, so just pick up your guts with one hand and keep swimming through the sea of defecation with the other. Colonel’s orders.

 

 

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