ADHD Ninja has a f*cking problem

Today, I decided to interview a long-time friend of ours. I am provoked by his story–enough to take time out of a busy schedule to make his story more well-known.  We as a people have become enemies of our very own neighbors, and after hearing this lone ninja’s story, if you don’t cry at least a single tear, then you ought to be force-fed laxatives through the anus, fed mass amounts of Taco Bell burritos and tied naked to a light pole in broad view of the local police department, where you will defecate helplessly over the chief’s car and reap every consequence thereof.

ADD Ninja scours the internet searching for information on his targets on a daily basis. He needs to know everything there is to know about them so that he can take care of them when the time comes; if he is unprepared, if some information alludes him or if misinformation takes hold, the results could be disastrous. ADD Ninja must guard himself. But lately, he’s been having problems finding reliable information.

That’s why, when ADD Ninja walked into my studio Monday with his lawyer and Japanese translator, I was absorbed by his intended action.

ADD Ninja is considering suing everyone and everything that has ever breathed or will ever breathe. ADD Ninja thinks that all people everywhere consider themselves marbles rolling down a single track, with no side courses or switchbacks–just a nice, straight ride down into oblivion where the only right road is the downward gradient.

Maybe something got lost in translation, so I asked ADD Ninja’s lawyer, “why?”

Why is this “oblivion ride” fact important? ADD Ninja meditates with burning incense often to remind himself of his past life, and he remembers how judgmental humanity has always been toward ADD Ninjas. He has been very forgiving as a person up until these recent days, not holding anyone accountable for their judgments. But now, things have changed, and changed dramatically.

“Like,” says ADD Ninja, “before, we were just mildly disliked. But why does the world fuckin’ hate ADD Ninjas now? ADD Ninjas are people too.” ADD Ninja is tired of the dehumanization of ADD Ninjas.

“But why?” I asked. “What happened to make you feel that way?”

If his pride had suffered that little extra inch to feed me that bit of information, I think he would have seppuku’d right then and there. His lawyer threw a coat over him and took him back home, but not before we shared tears with a great bit warm group hug.

I decided to get to the bottom of this.

We called the brother clan, the Non-ADD Ninjas, into the studio for more information.

“This has got to stop,” says Obi Two Bonjovi, current Master of the Non-ADD Ninja clans of the salty south. “We treat our brothers like chamber pots, taking a shit inside of them and letting that shit stew and attract flies for days before cleaning them out.” They think that the world is treating ADD Ninjas in a manner adequately fit for rapists, murderers and oblivion-warp-gate-summoning half-demon Witchers, and they are doing everything in their power to help their shunned brothers.

“Birds do not live in the deep sea, deep sea animals do not crawl on the ground, and humans cannot fly without the aid of science. Why do we ask the human children to swim to the abyss or fly to the sun?”

Yet, one question still remained: what the hell does any of this have to do with ADD Ninja while he is scouring the cosmos in search of information?

Clinical ADD ninja psychologist Karen McBoobBalls met me for coffee one afternoon recently to explain the problem. “Information caters to a particular type of brain,” she said. “ADD Ninja feels inadequate because everyone wants him to cater to their own teaching methods. When he tries to search for information, that information is presented in the learning method of the teacher, not the learning method of the student, aka the ‘learner.’

“For example, when he is trying to learn a new pressure point killing method, he must study four or five blogs articles, gather numerous library books and spend hours on YouTube before he finds the right amount and right type of informative teaching that can go into his brain.

“But that isn’t all that happens. He has to go through rehash after rehash of information to find the original information source, and even then, it is only presented in a single way–usually visually, by means of written words only. Some things are just not best explained by words, but by colorful pictures, rhymes, dances, songs, games, videos and audio files. He doesn’t have access to any of that because modern education just doesn’t offer any of that.” She also used some expletives and named some well-known professors in the area whom I will not bring to light.

“By that time,” she continued, “most of the information he learned could have been highly simplified, highly condensed and spoken in a language or in a method he could understand. You see the stress that can cause? And that was for only one job. He has to do that twenty or thirty times a week just to scrape by.”

I had to ask her: “Why is society like this? I mean, why can’t we cater to different learning styles? Why does everyone have to try to learn just one way?”

“Like a lot of ADD Ninjas, ADD Ninja has a group of learning disabilities associated with his ADD. He has to try to convert the information he finds into a consumable form before he can digest it into his mind. His need to do this is the failure of the teacher of the original content to cater to all the different learning types.

“We as a society, especially the universities, have a tremendous problem trying to melt down a student and pour him or her into our mold–our preference of learning–instead of trying to group students together with similar learning styles and needs and then trying to feed them the information in a way that is easy for them to digest.”

Ahh–now the words of the old Non-ADD Ninja Clan master make sense.

We issued out an invitation for callers to phone in with the opposite viewpoints to try to get a feel for the hate behind the words. The Oracle of Tootsyrot was the first to respond.

“My way is right; your way is wrong,” saith the oracle. “They must fit this shape, or they cannot fit at all.”

A local Christian university president called in just after the oracle left the line. “We just want to represent Jes-sus, and we just don’t think that ADD Ninja and his group represent Jes-sus appropriately. First of all, you have to listen to your elders. If you don’t, then you won’t learn anything. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and you had better fear his servants, too. ADD Ninja just doesn’t respond to regular teaching methods that everyone else seems to be able to take in, so we can’t really help him. That’s okay; that’s why there’s a hell!”

Well, I will let you be the judge. Is ADD Ninja wrong in desiring that the people paid really good money to teach should teach in a way that students can learn, and not just in the way that seems most convenient for the teacher? Or, are the oracles and the Christian universities right to say that learners, especially those with special needs, should be forced to participate in the same learning style as everyone else? Let us know what you think in the comments below!

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