I’d like to welcome you all to the Greater Showers of Blessing Church of Holy Babylon the Worthy.
We are so blessed to be celebrating this absolutely wonderful holiday, Black Friday. It’s the one day a year that our Lord and Savior Mammon the Mighty, praise his name, hallelujah, thank you Mammon, remembers us in all of our afflictions and grants us the relief of sacrificing one night of peaceful slumber for the savings of a lifetime in obtaining all the blessed holiday gifts that a God could lavishly bestow upon his middle-class-and-above-only-people.
Forty inch full HD TVs are fifty percent off in some places. Sound bars, cell phones, the latest and greatest video game consoles, all types of cookware including Star Wars toasters, hair care products, jewelry, clothing and footwear, fragrances of inestimable value and even sleepwear had seen so many generous discounts from God’s chosen-by-birth Retail Prophets that any particular member of the congregation who is willing to take that leap of faith may be able to spend even his last penny to obtain massive portions of those objects of his or her long-sought desire.
Any and all of those wonderful items, of which it is a sin not to buy, has the great power of our God to bring eternal joy and happiness to our lives. Isn’t Mammon the Worthy worthy to be praised? Isn’t Mammon the Great wonderful?
Now, I know what you might be thinking. You might be wondering, well, what about me? Yes, I just feel like there is one person out there who is just not sure of his place in this world of ours. Maybe he just doesn’t know which retailer store has the very best deal for that one thing he wants. Maybe he still thinks that the gates of heaven will open to him if he just is a “good person.” Maybe he’s still a member of the lower class!
And maybe, because of that, he mistakenly believes that somehow just by loving other people he may gain that great and eternal satisfaction of soul while scorning the gifts of our God. What I have to say to you is this: just keep the faith, just keep on singin’ and prayin’ to Mammon, and surely he will give you the desires of your heart! Don’t stop believing, for surely he will come to your aid with that TV you’ve been wanting!
Just have faith, faith as small as a diamond earring. And also, remember this: the place you are going, when the holy Mammon calls you to your eternal home, is such that you can take it all with you! Oh, hallelujah, thank you Mammon! We are so grateful to be a part of your church and to be your people.
We will now take up the offering. Don’t be skimpy, now. Of all that money you saved last night, surely you can give just a little to help the less fortunate of the middle-class be able to experience this wonderful holiday of savings as well.
Before we break today, I’d like to ask any who feel the calling of Mammon on their heart to come down to the altar and kneel. We want to anoint you with this pure soy oil and give you a gift: Mammon’s Book of Greatest Savings, the holy book of our people.
This post inspired from HERE and dedicated to all Black Friday outlets everywhere.