Law Enforecment Assho — oops, I mean Officer.

I both understand and appreciate those of you who are currently in or have at one time been in law enforcement. I hope that you will not take what I am about to say out of context or erroneously apply it to yourself or your situation (unless, of course, you find that this sentiment is true about yourself, and you happen to find that you need to work on these areas!) But to all others in law enforcement who might be a perpetrator in this crime of ethical delinquency, I just have to say: you don’t have do be an asshole to do your job. You can do it without the asshole. While you’re at it, lose the ego, too. Possessing both of these negative qualities makes you a douchebag and a pain to work with. I am not a criminal and you do not have to treat me as such. I pay my taxes – your pay check – and I deserve respect. When you approach me so stiffly and abusively, you have foregone my rights as a human being and have condescended into a caveman-esque disposition. I hope that you can comprehend the fact that if you require belittling others in order to produce some sort of emotional satisfaction, be it for fun or to satisfy some internal qualm of an empty chasm in your soul, well, my friend, that is just sick. That is bully-hood at its zenith. If you cannot pass beyond the need to bully others, then you ought not to be a law enforcement officer; you are not acting by any means professional or in any way that displays courteous respect. Maybe I was perfectly agreeable to you, perfectly willing to give you the information that you so desired, or maybe I wasn’t. But now you will never know, because instead of remaining civilized, you chose to increase the volume of your voice by several hundred decibels; and the flare in your eyes like Hector of Troy rushing out to meet Protesilaus and the Achaeans in battle; and the arch in your back like Goliath as he haughtily taunted his young and feeble child opponent, David; and the bulge in your pants, God knows why, like a Russian porn star.

Away with you. Do not again try to obtain my friendship; you have failed! I shall never love you, you foul scum beneath society’s rotten and feculent boot. (At least, that is what I would like to tell these kinds of officers!)

I am innocent until proven guilty by a court of law. Instead of leaving me with the sentiment that police are “friendly people who are out to keep the peace and give benefit to humanity as a whole,” after the social and emotional transaction, I am left with resentment and a strong sense of personal violation. You have not touched me, and yet somehow I feel as if you have stripped off all of my clothes and commenced to sexually assault me in front of the whole public scene of onlookers.

Does it make you feel good? Does it give you a hard one? Do you go home and masturbate to it every night?

That is the impression that I receive from you.

But I digress.

And shame on these: on those officers who boast of a Christian faith and who act thus. Have you forgotten Jesus? Do you not remember that Pilot said to Jesus, “Do you not know that I have the authority to have you killed?” and that Jesus replied, “you would have no power over me unless it were granted you from above?” Do not forget that if you mistakenly carry over your overbearing nature and your allotted power (read: “each of us will give an account of ourselves to God”) against a fellow follower of Jesus, it is because you were allowed to, and not because it was right. Pilot still had the sin that belonged with the use of that awful ability, which he chose to exercise. Another thing: the meek shall inherit the earth, or did you forget that? Oh. I apologize, you may have read it incorrectly. Maybe you read it: “the big bad-to-the-bone law man will inherit the earth.” Maybe you should just go read it again to be sure.

To be sure, you are nothing. You are vapor in the wind. A hundred, two hundred years from now, who on earth is going to remember your name? “You are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

At the end of the day, however, what can I say? Most of the officers that my complaint could be applied to are probably far too small-minded and unintelligent to be able to comprehend their lack of manners and hospitality when it comes to such day-to-day interactions with the general public. To you who read this and are offended, I am glad; it means that you well enough possess the brain function to ascertain someone else’s point of view. I indeed hope that you will assimilate these ideas into your next span of time on duty. Consider them well and put them into practice. Maybe then you will truly offer a service that doesn’t leave you looking like an utterly loathsome asshole in the eyes of the rest of humanity.

To those of you who cannot grasp or handle the concepts that I have so vigorously attempted to lay before you, I must express my utmost and sincerest apologies. I have made a grave waste of both your time and mine, and I hope that you possess the fortitude to be able to forgive me. Oh, and fuck you.

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